Christmas Holiday Letter
Mom and dad celebrated their 50th anniversary this year as dad threw-up on the cake. Part of their celebration was attending the Paul McCartney concert. Although there was a considerable amount of weed being passed around, my parents passed around the Geritol.
At 68, my mother took up professional body building. This Southern Baptist preacher’s kid must have never learned anything in Sunday School because she converted to Islam in October. She finally learned to submit to her three boys. Dad is as happy as he has ever been. She no longer tells him what a bad driver he is.
Mom (Early 2005) Mom (Fall 2005) – She is on the left with the large behind.
I’d like to say she is looking well but I have not seen her in three months.
I have lots of ailments, but nothing that a good prescription cannot cure. Oh yeah, I could exercise, sleep right, and eat the right foods. But I like the old fashioned way – medical marijuana.
I took Vytorin to lower my cholesterol and it
worked fine. Side effects included going to bed by 9 PM, singing on pitch,
Shaky Leg Syndrome, and hair growth. The main side effect was nightly “vivid”
dreams. I dreamed I was in Heaven and met Adam and Eve. Eve approached me and
asked “Does this fig leaf make my hips look too big?”
Dottie wants to see some fur under the Christmas tree this year. I am going to lie down next to the tree and take off my shirt.
Brother David’s software programming job was
outsourced to India. The best jobs are in the healthcare field right now.
David became a certified mammogram technician. He just wants to keep abreast of
things. The x-rays have affected his eyes and he now has double vision. Each
patient receives a free bag of Y2K rice.
As you all know, my brother David and his lifetime partner have four children. For many years they have been contemplating having another child. They finally decided not to since 1 out of 5 children are born Chinese. His kids formed a rock band called “Syringe.”
Brother Dale has been doing a lot of online dating. I saw him the other day with a keyboard strapped to his back. He met a girl named Katrina in New Orleans who blew him away. He really took a liking to her once he found out the value of her trust fund.
The Ft. Worth Fat Stock Show is now the Ft. Worth Stock Show since grandma quit going.
Dottie was accepted into the Daughters of the Republic of Texas and hopes to soon become a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. Once a month she gets to drive her Corvette to the meeting of the Blue Haired Genteel Matriarchy.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and/or have a Happy Non-Specific Holiday Season! Paul and Dottie Ridenour
For past Christmas letters, visit our website at: www.paulridenour.com